She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
