Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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