Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
