so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
