Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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