What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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