When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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