Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
