dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
