So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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