ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
