Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
