does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
