My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
