She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
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She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work