I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
