So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
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I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.