Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dating After Heartbreak
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!