So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
