This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Shame is for Republicans.
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