My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
