I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
