if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
