Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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