From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
