Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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