Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
