Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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