Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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