i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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