youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
