Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
