Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
be right there i have to get my cape
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
