She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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