take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
