I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
