The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
