Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
