Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
