Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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