forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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