u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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