I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
