Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
