there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
This is my gift to your gina
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
