Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
