if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
