This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
