clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
