She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
