My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
