Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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