dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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