sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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