If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
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People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
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Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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