I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
