he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
