...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
