so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
