rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
