about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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