I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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