I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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